I give a lot of advice. I try my best to wait until it’s asked for…but I’m sure you can tell by now that I really enjoy giving an outside opinion and a helping hand wherever is needed.
With the mess of the world doubling in size like the sourdough bread kits that everyone is using nowadays to pass time, I think it can also be agreed that this is a special situation where everyone feels a little lost. If 2020 were a book, it would be the new volume of Merriam-Webster Dictionary and this edition removed the word ‘easy’. Things have been tough lately, for everyone, and that is the hardest part. It’s so difficult to be offering help to each other when we all need so much help ourselves. It’s this effortful loop of every person not only exhausting themselves on problems they’ve heard 10,000 times in the past four months, but also still needing to convince themselves on advice that they’ve given out to flustered friends.
It’s me, but it’s also you. I’m sure you could take some of your own advice really badly right now, but we’ll save that tea-time for another evening.
Taking a brief opportunity to catch up a little bit and just talk about life: I started therapy a few months ago. Life was poking holes in all of my buckets and I stupidly thought that pouring more and more water into them was the only way to get them to stop draining. I finally decided to fix the hole in the bucket…sounds easy, doesn’t it?
Well not in 2020 it doesn’t because, if you recall, that word is now officially removed from this year’s dictionary.
I’m a pusher. Not like the kind of pusher that shouldn’t be allowed on children’s playgrounds because I have a history of drugs, but I am dreadfully persistent. Perhaps I should have just started with that term...anyways, I’ve established before that I like getting what I want and I will rarely stop pushing (there it is) until I get it. The thing we aren’t taught when we are born - and barely even taught once we are adults - is that if there is one thing that cannot be pushed, it’s the process of becoming okay when you are not currently okay. For a society that has become increasingly more involved in the conversation of mental health as a whole, we are still leagues behind on truly supporting the spectrum of all people – not just those clinically diagnosed.
Here we are, attempting to function under the consistent pressure of real life, and people are still embarrassed to admit that they had a shitty day.
It is oddly easier to look at everyone around us as reference points instead of separate people doing separate things on separate timelines. Amanda’s latest Instagram post on the beach, Ben’s culinary experience in Italy over the winter, Emily’s LinkedIn connections growing by the day…these things are easier to compare ourselves to because they are tangible, easily accessible and shoved down our throats on a daily basis. I guarantee if you asked 10 people in your contacts right now if they’re really doing okay, at least 5 would reply no. Even further, I bet that 9 of the 10 would mention some kind of stress. [I’m leaving that one person as an outlier because hey, let’s be honest, some of y’all are killing it right now and you deserve a pat on the back]. Essentially, we see these posts and we hear from those around us that life is going ‘great’ (supposedly) and what do we do in return? We get mad at ourselves!
So, then we reach the million-dollar question of the day: why is it such a bad thing that becoming okay doesn’t happen overnight?
I like to do this exercise where I ask myself the questions I am fearing most, so that I can come up with the realistic worst-case scenario, and then decide really how bad that scenario is.
How come I am not happy like other people? How dare I sit here and allow myself to process and rest? That’s pretty absurd of me, right - Not being perfect, 24/7? Why is there so much shame behind taking a few weeks, a few months or even a few years to truly accept the feelings you’re internally being forced to feel? See the trick here…? There is no answer to all of these questions. It’s like a house fly that keeps flying into the same window because he thinks that this time he’s going to make it through. No, I don’t think anyone reading this has the cognitive functioning levels of a house fly, but we do have habits of shoving square pegs into round holes until the sides are so shaved off that it finally fits.
(I’m here to let you know that’s not really the right answer either).
It is an interestingly complex and deep battle within ourselves to admit that we aren’t “there” yet. Even further, it is so hard to not only believe that statement, but to become comfortable with it. We are on our own timelines. We experience our own things. We feel our own ways.
And, dammit, we all deserve a day off every now and then.
Ultimately, I am here to say - after more time living quarantined in a house that I never thought I’d live in this long for ever again - that I’m there!
I spent day after day, actively reminding myself that what I’m feeling is okay. Being sad for a day is okay. Having a great week and falling behind a step or two is okay. Hyping yourself up and bragging about your small accomplishments that you’re overwhelmingly proud of: IS OKAY! Stop beating yourself up. Stop being your own worst enemy. On the days that everything feels impossible and you’re insecure about your own worth, there’s only one person that will be there for you eternally and it is your own self. Practice supporting yourself and making decisions that will benefit you in the long run, not just for 5 hours. There is no magic fairy dust that will make you ‘okay’ immediately. You cannot set a timer on your phone for a certain day and just wake up ‘okay’. So, live YOUR life. Walk YOUR timeline. Find out who YOU really are. And I can’t wait to see you all on the greener side of the grass.
You'll get there.