Everybody knows David Copperfield, right? He can pull rabbits out of hats and break out of chains in a tank of water and make things disappear. A master of illusion and an enemy of close-mindedness.
But, have you ever imagined David Copperfield in quirky t-shirts and Goodwill jeans? Have you ever seen him with dusty-blonde hair, dancing in the aisles of the grocery stores?
It’s me. I am David Copperfield. I am my own metaphor today.
Although I cannot saw a human in half, there is one thing magicians are known for that I have always been exquisite at: escaping. I am clever and observant and – whether I was trying to get out of a homework assignment I had forgotten from the night prior or running away from a heartbreak – I have always been very good at finding a way out of things. It’s diabolical, really.
Like many other topics, I see the pros and the cons behind such a frequent habit of running away. Being someone who has been practicing this trick for almost 22 years now, I think I’ve come to discover the right times and the right places to escape (or at least I’m getting there). So, I’d love to share with you my admiration for starting anew when you’re too scared of the [a]old, because sometimes getting out is the healthiest way to be able to come back and tackle what you were running from in the first place. [Something to learn about me on this journey of journaling is how much I also love making lists, so I am going to break down my thoughts for you in what I consider the most digestible way possible: bullet points.]
Step 1: Knowing why you want to escape.
Yes, when we have bad days, we all want to vanish to a tropical island far away from any stress we’ve ever known with unlimited margaritas and pizza. The sucky part about this method I’m going to share with you is that I am going to request that you be realistic. It’s not fair for anyone trying to heal to lie to themselves. The metaphorical equivalent of that is like trying to blow out one of those trick candles that re-lights and sparkles with complete and utter disrespect in your face because you were so stupid to believe that an object was going to behave the way it is advertised to. Too far of a reach? Well I liked the analogy.
Anyways, this step can be easier and harder than it seems. It really all depends on how soon and how deeply you can just be honest with yourself. Who or what really hurt you? How did they do that? Are you mad at a person or are you mad at an event? Does this event represent a singular instance of bad luck in your life or are you having a recurring issue with social, professional or personal life? Make a list. Bullet points. I promise it helps. Once you know what it is you’re really trying to get away from, you can better identify what type of healing to pursue. Perhaps you just need space to think clearly or you need time to prepare an apology or you are craving new relationships in your life. Sit down with a pen and paper, get yourself a really good cupcake, dedicate time to your thoughts, be honest with yourself and figure out why you want to escape.
Step 2: How and when to escape.
You’re at wits end, you can’t bear to go on another moment without breaking down for a fifth time in twelve hours and you haven’t eaten a real meal in days…perhaps maybe you’ve waited too long to escape? Or quite the contrary! It’s not a good idea to isolate yourself and depend completely on a new environment to support your mental or physical state. Really, it’s just not a safe decision for yourself. Any time I have made the decision to temporarily or permanently run away from something, I have consulted someone I fully trust and that I know is there to support me. Whether they agree with my decision or not is not a priority to me because, as mentioned in step one, this is my healing journey and I’ve already decided what’s right for me. What is important about this step is setting up a platform for your eventual and grand return. Whenever you filled out a field trip form for grade school, they asked for an emergency contact. Even once you’re 22-years-old and in college – a completely capable, functioning adult – they ask for someone to contact in case you no longer become capable. Think of this base as your emergency contact. Having a man on the lines ready to drag you back into the trenches when the war of self-discovery gets too tough is for your own benefit, as well as making someone feel special enough to be your number one – good fun for all!
In contrast to what I just said above, do not make this a large announcement to everyone you know. This journey is for you. It does not matter who will be worrying about you or thinking about you or moving on from you while you’re gone. What matters is you learning about yourself and healing your own wounds, so let social media take a break from doing your personal dirty work and allow other people to process things on their own as well.
Step 3: What to do once you’re there.
Let me tell you, as someone who has voluntarily moved to live by myself for 3 summers in a row: being alone can be the universe’s most unique blessing. I very often got the question “Well…what did you do?” and here’s the best part:
Whatever. I. Wanted.
I would wake up in the mornings whenever I wanted to, take a bike ride to a local diner, treat myself to breakfast and meet someone new who just so happens to also have a close family member in Arizona. I would sit on my front patio with a book and eat fruit from the farmer’s market, and I have been a fruit-snob since. I would get in my car and plug in my phone to listen to my favorite music as loud as I wanted, GPS off, and just take the left’s and right’s that seemed like they’d be interesting. In fact, that was how I found my favorite sunset spot.
Long-story-short, I spent a lot of time with myself which let me learn a lot about who I am as an individual. Spoiler to the end of this story: it’s a lot easier to return to life and continue pursuing this ‘happiness’ thing when you know what it is you need to pursue. Sometimes the simplest things such as discovering my favorite time of day or discovering I actually really like almonds made me feel excited. Now, when I returned home, I could know how to schedule events around how my energy peaks and dwindles throughout the day and I could explore a whole new world of snacks or recipes. Appreciate the little things along the way and just enjoy being with yourself, there is nothing more pure than healthy isolation.
Step 4: Deciding if you want to come back
(and knowing when that is)
This is a section I’ve been avoiding writing for a while because (to be completely honest) it is a question I’ve been grappling with for the past 4 weeks myself.
Nobody can define your happiness but you. More often than not, once you feel ready to return from your hiatus, you’ve probably discovered something new about your values. Maybe not every time and maybe not consciously, but you will learn new things about yourself. You’ll especially learn the most about what it is you want in life. Now, I’m not insinuating that a 3-week stint off of the grid will change your opinions on life-shattering, contradictory topics…but you gain a new level of respect. Perhaps that respect seems like it’s dedicated to nature or your family or double-stuffed Oreos, but really, that respect you have gained is for yourself. This step is an annoying ‘Karate Kid’ moment where I can’t truly explain to you what it is, or when it is, or how it feels, but I can ask that you trust me when I say that you will know. You will reach a point of ease, you will physically feel stress lift off of you and – once that feeling is achieved – it’s time to assess what it’s telling you. The hardest part to this trick and the part that takes the longest is finding out how to trust your gut. You’ll know. I promise.
Step 5: Moving. On.
Congratulations, you made it! You did something for yourself. You took the brave leap to trust your instincts and your needs and also the concept that sometimes we just need a gosh darn minute to breathe. You took your trip, you collected your thoughts, you made your decision to forgive, forget or f**k off…and so you have to stick with that. Let it go! You have reached this step because of all of the tenuous events and feelings and emotions that brought you to a point that you needed to plunge yourself into a place of further discomfort in order to organize your priorities and happiness with life.
So, now I am asking you to throw all of that away.
You cannot physically read a new book if you don’t close the last one you finished. You can’t eat another fork-full of mashed potatoes if there are still potatoes on the fork (well…that’s a debate for another time). In essence: you are insulting yourself and the effort you have put into this adventure by hanging on to the things you finally became comfortable with accepting. You gave them a place, you gave yourself a place, and it is now time to continue in your new directions. Since I know this is not easy, here is the number one tip I use:
Write it out.
I mean it! We have these mental conversations with ourselves 5 times a day and consider that closure because we have heard it so many times. But, I can confirm from experience, nothing beats the feeling of turning those thoughts into tangible things. Write a letter. Address it to whoever you feel like it needs to be addressed to. Then, once you’re finished, don’t send it. [Okay, disclaimer, sometimes it's a good idea to send it...but use rationality]. This was your journey, this was your healing process, and that is your closure. If it helps, print it out and burn it or rip it or feed it to your dog. Allow yourself to physically let go of things, you would be surprised the weight it lifts off of your shoulders.
So, I have officially broken the code of magicians everywhere. I have exposed the secrets behind my greatest trick. They definitely will not let me back to Sunday brunches with Houdini. However, maybe right now you are reading this and it sounds crazy. Perhaps you see no way this method could fit into your life, which is fine, I encourage you to find new ways to support yourself. But, there may come a time when the moment hits just right, the door is open, the road is calling your name and there’s just no better time to pull out that rabbit and become your best escape artist.
Jules