Post Break-Up
I got dumped.
There, I did it, I said it! We all know how much easier it is to twist the ending of a relationship into the words “we broke up” but, in reality, there is a dump-er and a dump-ee. It took me nearly two weeks after the day my boyfriend told me that things were not working out to admit that: I. Got. Dumped.
I avoided it because it felt like defeat.
It felt like wearing a plaque on my chest that says ‘I was not good enough so he had to get rid of me’ – a common cognitive distortion that everyone at some point in their life has experienced. I have many long-winded e-mails to write to top psychologists in order to understand why the human brain finds it easier to accept blame in the midst of a negative happening instead of being able to rationally see that there does not need to be a set winner and a loser. Within relationships, specifically, it is so impossible to assign sole blame to one party since it is an entity comprised of two people growing and experiencing together – so why on EARTH do we victimize ourselves immediately? I am now thinking of becoming a neurologist or psychic or something to dedicate my life to switching this habit of the mind, if anybody would like to begin a fund to help me out.
In recently going through the stages of grief after ending my first serious relationship, and being a very emotional individual, I was fascinated at how scattered my thoughts and feelings became. In fact, I’m still going through them! I was so accepting of the idea at first, wanting to be understanding and cooperative with minimal friction. I quickly shifted to frustration and desperation, not wanting to give up so quickly on something supposedly so great (it wasn’t until a good week or so in that I came to accept that things were not so great, and that is exactly why this break-up came at the time it did). Now, and every day I go on, it gets a little easier to view things objectively and rationally.
To me, there is such a beauty about the process of feeling things so fully. By allowing myself to run through the mental rolodex of every date we went on, every compliment he gave me, every little argument we had and every facial expression of his I can remember, it became easier to turn the sour pit in my heart into a feeling of appreciation. You may be wondering, “why do you want to appreciate losing someone you love? That sucks!” and I would say to you: yes, yes it definitely does. However – leading to the second cognitive distortion of this journal entry – there is no reason to let go of the beautiful and happy moments that you did have in that relationship, there is a big reason they made you so happy! Too often I feel that, in ending a relationship with another person, we all consider the things they said to be void as if it was some contract we signed on to that said ‘you only inspired someone with your passion while you dated them, you have now lost that quality’. The neat part of break-ups, and trying to appreciate the memories you have instead of resenting not having more memories in the future, is that you get to keep those thoughts and feelings and private conversations had with your partner – forever. Just because you were broken-up with does not mean that on January 2nd, your partner did not love the way you were dressed or, on November 25th, they did not feel lucky to have you at a dinner table with them. You have to try and remember that as blessed as you felt to be able to love another person as deeply as you did, they also felt excited to be able to love you. It is okay to be sad, in fact, I encourage you to feel absolutely everything you can while the memories and the feelings are still fresh. However, it is most important to walk away from a break-up with this one thought: you were loved.
And, above all else, you will be loved again.