Today I want to talk about something I talk about a lot: myself.
Buckle up! I promise it will be something new and probably disgustingly positive.
I feel really proud of myself. I mean, it’s not the first time I’ve felt proud of myself, but I wanted to acknowledge that in this moment: I am proud of myself.
What a forgotten pleasure in life…self-pride. Have you ever stopped to think about the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror or a puddle or the reflection of your phone and thought “I am so proud of you”?
Was it recent? Is it often? Do you mean it?
So frequently, especially with the ease of technology, we search for validation from other people. We post photos of our art or our yard-work or even our outfit for the day and part of us is waiting for someone to comment about what a good job we have done. (Don’t lie to yourself, I don’t believe anyone posts something without even the slightest subconscious desire for admiration). It’s psychology, it’s biology, it’s sociology…essentially, it’s science! We like to be liked. We like to get positive reinforcement for something that took our time and energy and sometimes even our money. Why would anybody exert physical or mental effort if they knew that there would be no benefit for them in the end? Now, not every DIY felt-blanket we make or funny joke we think of in the shower can necessarily make us money or land us a job as a CEO. So…how do we gain the reward on these things that we just put our time and energy and money into? VALIDATION.
Let’s rewind a bit to that ‘science’ thing I was talking about.
Validation is an onion. No, it’s not actually a vegetable, but there are layers and layers behind what exists inside the world of what constitutes as validation. For example, we can break up the ‘good feeling’ we get from validation into two categories – intrinsic and extrinsic motivation.
I did tell you to buckle up earlier, did I not?
Basically, we are creatures of convenience. Right? Okay, stay with me. We pick the bottle from the front of the cooler because it would just be nonsensical to remove all of the bottles in the middle and replace them all back just to get a bottle from the back that could potentially be a bit colder…unless we had a good reason to. So – to bring this analogy back into context – validation is the bottle and motivation is the thing that convinces you which bottle to choose.
Close your eyes (well, actually try not to because you kind of need to read on to get this kind of story).
You're next in line at the drink cooler and there are about 15 people behind you. Extrinsic motivation is like me telling you that I will give you $10 to take all of the bottles out of the cooler, pick the furthest one in the back, and then replace all of the bottles; a one-time, monetary reward that probably doesn’t make up for the actual work it took. Also, you probably feel like a bit of an asshole for making everyone else in line behind you wait just so that you could remove all of the bottles for two Subway foot-longs. Now, intrinsic motivation, would be me telling you that if you take every bottle out of the cooler and pass them to the people behind you, each person will give you a different compliment. Then you can take the furthest bottle. You would not have to put any back, your extra efforts saved other people time and they verbally make it known that you made something better…
Can you picture that feeling? Being complimented for doing something? Feeling good about yourself? Feeling validated for your actions? Now do you understand why we subconsciously post a picture of our orchid hoping that someone will tell us it’s pretty instead of asking for $10? Yeah. Science.
So, if this feeling is so addictive and beneficial to our chemical composition as humans, then why do we wait for it? I find it absolutely absurd that we willingly put 20% more effort into something we did just to be told by someone else it’s good. That’s like growing your own onions and then mailing it to a total stranger to judge your gardening methods without knowing anything about how good of a gardener you really are. I know what you’re thinking, I am not insinuating you also upload a progress-video to Facebook of how you made your DIY felt-blanket in order to feel happier. (Also, yes, I’m carrying the same inanimate objects through this narrative to keep it relatable).
Why do you give a fresh crap about what anyone else has to say about your abilities?
No one else experienced the thing that you did in the most hands-on, involved way possible that you experienced by simply being the one to do it. Maybe your onion tastes horrible. Maybe your felt blanket is hideous. Maybe you should just never shower again because you think of the absolute worst jokes in hot water, I don’t know! However, my biggest maybe of them all, is maybe you should beat people to the punch and appreciate what you did first. Love your products the deepest. Reflect on the skills it took you to accomplish this. Be proud.
Nothing will beat the virtual pat-on-the-back from your Aunt Cathy when she comments a thumbs-up emoji on your Instagram post, you got me there. But, have you ever stopped to think about how irreplaceable self-pride is? This endless loop of intrinsic motivation based off of you making yourself feel good for the small things you accomplish in life. A constant reminder that, no matter what you do and how you do it, someone out there is rooting for you. So, go find a mirror. Fill a dirt hole outside with water and make a puddle. Wipe the greasy finger-prints off of your phone screen so you can see your double-chin when you look down at it. Be proud of whatever you have accomplished today and keep being proud until you believe it.
Give yourself endless opportunities to tell yourself first.
Jules